Gamertell

I found myself in line at my local supermarket the other day when I noticed a large munitions dump of annoyingly orange 2 liter bottles glaring at me from the end of the checkout line. The bottles contained Mountain Dew’s brand spanking new Halo 3 themed drink, innovatively titled Game Fuel. Now, I pride myself on being something of an intellectual. My friends call it arrogance mixed with a little antisocialism, but you and I know better—I’m a pretty smart guy, actually. So why was I thinking about buying two liters of Game Fuel? I didn’t even need one liter of Game Fuel, much less a conveniently packaged set of two.  Did I think it would taste good? No. Was I thirsty? Absolutely not, and I had just bought beer. Was it because there was a life-sized cardboard replica of the master chief positioned strategically next to the display, his helmeted visage gazing stoically into the distance? Maybe. Was it because each bottle featured a special Halo 3 design, 40% more caffeine, and a burst of citrus flavor? You bet ‘yer ass.

When I got home I set the bottle on the table. I looked at the Game fuel, and the Game Fuel looked at me. It must have been my imagination, but I fancied that the bottle fairly shook, vibrating ever so slightly as the pent up energies and anti-gravity physics that any Halo 3 product must surely contain railed to be free of the thin plastic prison binding it. I knew it was time to finish the fight, as they say. So I poured out a couple of fingers of the stuff and down the hatch it went.

As I’ve said, I consider myself something of an academic, but I’ve never felt as stupid or as disgusted by something at the same time as when I took that first, putrid slug of Game Fuel. My eyes watered, I briefly lost the capacity for speech.  I’m proud to say that I maintained bowl control, but it was a close call, let me tell you.

“How does it taste?” asked my girlfriend. “Good,” I spluttered, eager to avoid the I-told-you-so look for as long as possible. The finish was killing me, something in-between the way you’d think plastic fruit would taste and the smell of an overflowing port-a-potty on a hot and humid summer’s day. My girlfriend left the room and I took the opportunity to scour my tongue with paper towels to try and get the taste out. I turned away from the kitchen sink and there it was, still looking at me—a mostly full two liter bottle of Game Fuel. What the hell am I going to do with the rest of this? I thought.

Several ideas occurred to me, the most obvious of which was the radiator fluid substitute because I imagine that’s what radiator fluid would taste like if you carbonated it. Then I thought that the bottles could be used in some massive abstract art piece; the color of the liquid is quite extraordinary, it’s like getting punched in the retina just looking at it. Pouring it out over any sort of vegetation or where it might make it into the water table was out of the question for me, no way. I’m an environmentalist for your information, and Game Fuel can’t be good for plant life.

So it comes to this: Is anyone out there willing to offer Game Fuel disposal services? Millions of young gamers around the world will strip away the first few layers of stomach cells playing the most anticipated game of the season while drinking the least digestible beverage of all time. There’s going to be extra, and you know it. Perhaps Gamertell’s next contest will be to see who can come up with the most inventive way of getting rid of the stuff? Send suggestions, please. And for the love of God, be quick about it…it’s still watching me.

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