Gamertell

It was the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even the three friends who’d been waiting for Halo 3’s matchmaker to find a game for like, two %#$ing hours.

“What’s going on?” they cried in disbelief, for their holiday merriment had been cruelly vetoed by a mysterious phenomenon known only as ‘broken,’ sometimes called ‘not working.’

“What the flying %@$! is this?” they asked again.

“Perhaps this malfunction is caused by the 17 million new Xbox’s that were sold during the holiday season,” suggested one of them. “Maybe the servers can’t handle them all trying to get on at once. Maybe Microsoft just wasn’t expecting to have that many new members?”

It became deathly silent, and an angry chill descended on the room like the rag-doll corpse of a recently deceased Master Chief. The youngest and angriest of the three friends narrowed his eyes and spoke in a whisper brimmed with rage:

“#$!%ing noobs.”

Were you one of the thousands, possibly millions of gamers who had their precious holiday break defecated upon by what is widely regarded as one of the most heinous holiday !&*@ ups in the entire history of human endeavor? Me too. (Caveat: by ‘widely’ I mean myself, my brother and his buddy Dylan, but we are unanimous in our agreement, which counts for something, I think).

And we were not alone in our frustrations during our most recent happy-Jesus-birthday-time. Oh no, not alone at all. The Texans! Keith Kay, Orlando Perez and Shannon Smith were with us on that cold winter night. They were with us in spirit as they cursed Bill Gates and swore at the television and threw controllers at their pets as matchmaking failed time and time again. The three Texans, as a matter of fact, swore so many times that they accidentally summoned a lawyer from the depths of the underworld and he agreed to file a class action lawsuit on their behalf.

News of the lawsuit tore through the blogosphere with a speed paralleling that of light. MTV got a chance to speak with the lawyer because they’ve pretty much given up on music and television at this point and now video games are all that’s left of popular culture for them to destroy. Lord help us.

Here is an excerpt from a completely fake rendition of that interview that I just made up:

MTV: So, you’re a lawyer huh?
Godless Sue-Happy Lawyer: Yep.
MTV: So you must really like money.
GSHL: Oh man, are kidding me? Love the stuff. Can’t get enough of it.
MTV: Holy %!#$, we love money too! And we hate music. And freedom.
GSHL: Wow, that’s awesome.
MTV: So tell us, why does Microsoft hates Texans?
GSHL: Well, Texans are fond of large hats and homosexual slurs, which as we all know are constitutionally protected rights. But Bill Gates doesn’t care about the constitution, so he personally snuck into the house of these innocent Texans and disabled their Xbox Consoles using only a toothbrush and a Twinkie wrapper. 
MTV: Wow, he must be pretty smart to do that.
GSHL: He makes MacGyver look like your retarded cousin who took off his left thumb with a belt sander.
MTV: You mean Gary?
GSHL: Yes, Gary. 
MTV: So you’re going to sue Microsoft?
GSHL: Me, the Texans, and about fifty other people are going to sue them right in the pants. You want in?
MTV: I don’t even own an Xbox.
GSHL: (shrugs) Circumstantial. They’ll never be able to prove that in court.

And so it goes, folks. Let that be a lesson to all of us: if you are a huge corporation and you make your customers sign user agreements with explicitly stated liability disclaimers, you will still get sued. Right in the pants. God bless.

Read [MTV] Via [Joystiq]