Gamertell

Not much can make the heart race like doing something you know you’re not supposed to be doing. Perhaps that is why so many games rely on big-time crimes to provide adrenalin-boosting activities - stealing cars, massive property damage and murder.

Although videogames do allow people to partake in ethically questionable activities without actually hurting anyone or anything, not all illegal activities would make good games.

In the spirit of Grand Theft Auto, here are a few theoretical games with illegal activities for names that would simply never sell (which should make at least a few parents happy).

Jaywalking  (PC/Mac, PS3, Wii, Xbox 360, PSP, DS; “Teen” for language and suggestive gestures)
Frogger had it easy. Crossing the street outside the safety lines has never been such a challenge. You’ll play as the sure-footed street crosser, Jay Walker, as voiced by (who else) Jimmie “J.J.” Walker. Possible slogans: “Crosswalks be dammed,” “Getting to the other side takes more brains than a headless chicken,” or “Living life outside the lines.”

Shoplifting: Dollar Store Edition (PC/Mac, PS3, Wii, Xbox 360, PSP, DS; “Teen” for comic mischief and mild language)
All the $1 crap you can pocket without getting caught. Oh yeaz. Make a mad dash for that set of irregular, off-color Tupperware ripoff products and see if you can make it to your car without paying. Think that apathetic, underpaid, acne-faced teenager behind the counter will care enough to trigger the silent alarm? Think again.

Public Urination  (PSP, DS, Wii; “Mature” for partial nudity, suggestive themes and use of alcohol)
For the Wii, naturally. Possible game slogans: “How quick can you unzip?” and “Doin’ number one under the sun.” See where all you can pee before the neighbors complain. The ESRB will certainly rate this one “Mature” due to the graphic nature of the game. Even so, it’ll become the first game to be sold at rest stops across the US. Just imagine the Wii control scheme for this one.

Mattress Tag Removal  (PC/Mac, PS3, Wii, Xbox 360, PSP, DS; “Teen” for mild suggestive themes)
Undeniably a stealth game, you sneak around a house trying to find all of the Do Not Remove Under Penalty of law tags on mattresses. Armed with only a pair of safety scissors, you pocket each tag you cut off to score major points and street cred with schoolmates. Oh man, are you in trouble now.

Passing Bad Checks (DS; “Teen”)
In this role-playing game, you write bad checks on the touchscreen and then try to spend them at various stores. Try to buy a pack of gum with a check from your ex’s account. The hilarity will immediately ensue.

Smoking in a Public Restroom (Wii; “Mature” for use of tobacco, nudity, sexual themes and strong language)
You were that guy/gal in high school, you’re that guy/gal at the office so why not in a videogame, too? For this game you hold the WiiMote like a cigarette to with the Wii Cigarette Holder attachment (probably by Nyko). Nothing screams fun like leaning against a questionably clean bathroom stall door while inhaling the smoke and fumes from dried, smoldering paper and plants. Yum-o!

Hairdressing Without a License (PS3, Wii, Xbox 360; “Everyone” for comic mischief)
Talk about a hard-core crime. See how poorly you can cut hair before someone figures out you never really learned how. Snip here, snip there and send people home looking like a rusty lawnmower escaped from the loony bin and made an escape maze on their head.

Failure to Pay Child Support (PC/Mac, PS3, Wii, Xbox 360, PSP, DS; “Teen” for strong language and use of alcohol and tobacco)
In this realistic sim style game, you do nothing. Yep, a game where you actually are supposed to do nothing. Don’t answer the phone, don’t read mail and definitely don’t open your door. In fact, do anything productive and earn a single cent that can be garnished and you instantly lose. This might be the sequel to Passing Bad Checks.

Loitering (PC/Mac, PS3, Wii, Xbox 360, PSP, DS; “Everyone”)
The ultimate in high-action gaming, you meander your custom avatar to a strategic position in town and wait. Wait as long as you can until someone asks you to move along. Hours and hours and hours and hours of waiting. Learn to shift your weight between your legs so you don’t cramp up (that’ll really test the rumble feature on the new Dualshock 3 or put the WiiMote’s motion sensitive to the test). For the online multiplayer mode, see how many of your friends can join you standing in one place.

PS: If you are a game company and you make any of these games, I expect mad royalties, yo.