Gamertell

As bad as most videogames movies tend to be, some of them are still relatively enjoyable. A few even manage to accumulate success in the box office, ensuring a sequel. Historically , this has not boded well for the (already tenuous) merits of the franchises at hand. Both of this week’s flicks had fans scratching their heads wondering what the hell happened after a successful first movie.

Join me as I shake my head angrily at two “could have been a contender” films: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation and Lara Croft Tomb Raider: the Cradle of Life.

First, I popped in the sequel to goofy, though oddly charming, Mortal Kombat. What the hell happened? Somehow the filmmakers managed to lose everything that made the first flick such a guilty pleasure and instead cranked out one of the most embarrassingly amateurish, crap-tastic videogame films this side of Uwe Boll.

The story picks up where the last one left off – Earth’s Warriors have won the tournament and a generation of peace is guaranteed. However, Shao Khan (Brian Thompson) has other ideas, and declares war on Earth/the Earthlings, and a slew of over the top fight scenes and horribly bad CGI ensues.

Unfortunately, most of the actors didn’t sign on to reprise their roles aside from Robin Shou (Lui Kang) and Talisa Soto (Kitana), and beloved crappy-though-competent movie director Paul W.S. Anderson was off doing other things, meaning that the tongue-in-cheek charm of the original film is completely lost.

What’s worse is the lack of humor. The first film didn’t take itself very seriously (its saving grace) and the easy banter between Johnny Cage, Sonya Blade and Lui Kang is sorely missed. On the same note, Annihilation literally features the worst acting/costumes/makeup this side of a particularly stupid high school play.

Next up was Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003). Thankfully, our lead (Angelina Jolie) has returned from the first Tomb Raider flick, and she arrives in full force. Unfortunately, there’s something a bit off about this particular chapter: a complete and utter disregard for believability. While the first flick had a pretty wacky plot, it was all done with a sort of tongue-in-cheek manner that fit the style of the games perfectly. The same certainly can’t be said of the sequel, which pits Greek mythology against a “modern day Dr. Mengele” with the fate of humanity at stake. Really.

In all fairness, Cradle of Life is nowhere as bad of a sequel as Annihilation, and it’s still fairly enjoyable on its own. In the film, archaeologist/professional badass Lara Croft discovers an orb that is a map to the “cradle of life” where Pandora’s box is located, and our heroine must find it before an evil doctor can use it to exterminate the earth of those he deems “lesser people”. The action crosses a few continents (lingering longest in Southeast Asia and Africa), and there’s a fairly lame love story between Lara and Terry (Gerard Butler, before he was “this is Sparta!” King Leonidas in 300), her sort-of partner.

Aside from offering about the same level of fun and action-flick hijinks as the first film (and Jolie’s badass portrayal of Croft), the film really fails in the story department. Pandora’s box? An evil Doctor who deals in plagues? Really? It’s a good thing Jolie wasn’t interested in doing a third movie – one can only imagine what insane plot it would have had.

Lame Game Ratings
Game factor: MKA: 7/10 there are plenty of fight scenes, and many beloved characters (like Jax!) make appearances. TRII: 6/10 Jolie still nails the character, but things get a little too wacky and there’s not enough actual tomb raiding for my tastes here.

Pain factor: MKA: 2/10-10/10, this varies with sobriety. Depending on how many age-appropriate beverages you consume, you will either laugh or cry. TRII: 4/10 the only painful part is the cringe-inducing romance.

Best salve for the experience: Kick it old school with either of the original game sequels. Ironically enough, Tomb Raider II and Mortal Kombat II are both high points in each franchise. Too bad the same can’t be said of the films.

Read [Gamertell]

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