Gamertell

It’s time for another lame game movie night, a new tradition here at Cut/Scenes where we take in two lame videogame movies and write about make fun of them. Tonight, we’re taking on the zombies of Resident Evil and Alone in the Dark’s monsters in another videogame-adapted horrorfest.

I chose to begin the evening with Resident Evil; a 2002 flick directed by Paul W.S. Anderson, the man who also brought Mortal Kombat to the world (Along with other shlocky genre fare like Event Horizon and Alien Vs. Predator). I’m starting to think he’s the modern master of this kind of film, since almost everything he’s made is totally enjoyable in a dumb popcorn-y sort of way, and Resident Evil is no exception.

The film is based on the insanely popular survival horror series premised on zombie-killing action, and as such, it doesn’t disappoint. The movie opens on an accident at the umbrella corporation’s “hive”, where the deadly (zombifying) T-virus is unleashed. Cut to an amnesiac Alice (Milla Jovovich) waking up in a mansion and an infiltration by the S.T.A.R.S. team (an elite military outfit employed by umbrella). In a rather poorly explained sequence of events, the team takes her with them (she’s apparently normally a part of said team) as they investigate the creepy, empty hive. They shut down the deadly Cube-esque computer that was containing the situation, unleashing hordes of the undead (and the strangely mutated) upon our heroes.

What’s surprising is how much the film is actually a decent thriller – it’s much more exciting than it is scary. The premise is effective, the acting is passable, and the action is fairly non-stop, making this the first film in the lame game movie nights to actually get the pulse pounding.

In fact, the film makes great use of the game’s various creatures (zombies, zombie dogs and one particularly deadly “licker”) and puts a countdown on bad-ass commando Rain (Michelle Rodriguez)’s survival after she gets bitten/infected. With all the various levels of tension working at once (Alice’s memory coming back, creatures trying to kill everyone, a countdown until the doors are sealed, and Rain’s infection), it’s hard not to forgive the movie’s wildly uneven first half.

This isn’t to say its good, exactly. It’s formulaic and cheesy, no doubt. But compared to what came next (Alone in the Dark), even a passable, zombie-themed Aliens Rip-off looks like a masterwork.

Alone in the Dark (2005) just might be Uwe Boll’s worst film – and we all know that’s saying a lot. If you thought BloodRayne was bad, you need to see the atrocity that is Alone in the Dark. Rated an abysmal 1% fresh on rotten tomatoes, we have the usual Boll hallmarks of bad acting, terrible direction, and utterly incoherent story.

The plot, as it is, has paranormal investigator Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) joining up with anthropologist/archeologist (it’s hard to tell) Aline Cedrac (Tara Reid) and government agents/commandos to save the world from evil creatures.

To be completely honest, I think my brain may have frozen over from the sheer, utter stupidity of the film. This wouldn’t be such a bad thing if Alone in the Dark had any kind of clue how horrible it is – bad movies can obviously be enjoyable in that context. But Alone in the Dark is the kind of bad that actually goes beyond “so-bad-its-funny” into “just turn it off” territory. In fact, I think I can sum up my feelings for the film in this incomprehensible line, delivered with gusto by Reid: “If you’ve made it this far alive, you’re already dead.”

Lame Game Ratings:

Game factor: RE: 9/10 - it has zombies, zombie dogs, lickers, umbrella, and an ending that starts right up where the second game begins. AITD: 3/10 - there are creatures, and terrible acting. I suppose that counts for something.

Pain factor: RE: 2/10 it’s a little cheesy, but mostly a fun, stupid movie. AITD 10/10 much worse then BloodRayne.

Best salve for the experience: Buy yourself a sawed-off shotgun.

Read [Slant]

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