Gamertell

This week, Cut/Scenes is taking a step away from critiquing filmic influence in games and complaining about the nature of poor adaptations. Instead, we’re celebrating some of the campy classics that have given game movies a bad name. We present to you the first in a semi-regular series of lame game movie nights, in which we recap the experiences of one intrepid game columnist as she gets into the Mystery Science Theater mindset with some of the genre’s “classics”. This week, we “enjoy” a double feature of Uwe Boll’s notorious BloodRayne and the Angelina Jolie actionfest Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.

Lame game movie night #1: Girl Power
So there I was on a quiet Thursday evening, ready to begin my first lame game movie night with BloodRayne, a film that notoriously scored 4% fresh on aggregate film review site Rotten Tomatoes, despite the seriously talented cast. I was prepared for a world of hurt; having heard of the terrible direction, bad editing, disgusting dialogue, and incoherent plot. I was steeled; with popcorn in one hand and stiff drink in the other, and ready for everything Uwe Boll could throw at my eyes.

Well, he didn’t disappoint. While BloodRayne isn’t the worst vampire flick I’ve endured in my lifetime (that would be Club Vampire), it was pretty terrible. The narrative follows Rayne (Kristanna Loken, better utilized as the female terminator in Terminator 3), a half-human, half-vampire amazon who hooks up with a secret order of vampire hunters in order to find an ancient relic and foil evil vampire Kagan. The plot doesn’t make much sense, and it’s clearly used as a backdrop for the (poorly staged) fighting scenes and the one oddly placed (and also awkwardly staged) love scene.

The most painful element of the film is the dialog. Boll somehow manages to get A-list talent to work in his films, in BloodRayne alone we have the magnificent Ben Kingsley, accompanied by talented character actors and action stars like Billy Zane, Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez and Kristanna Loken. Yet none of the performers can do much with the dialog drivel, and no one musters much expression beyond the wooden stakes in their hands. I blame it on the direction, which was clearly also responsible for the awkward fight scenes. Actually, the bad direction was responsible for everything negative about this experience, including the terrible taste in my mouth that accompanied the lame montage-driven ending.

The only way to enjoy a movie that dips this far into hellishly bad territory is to make a game out of it. For every line accompanied with a constipated facial expression, have a drink. For every terrible cut that reveals the fake blood in a fight scene, take a shot. Play with soda if you want to live through the night.

Moving on, I relieved my DVD player of BloodRayne’s curse and threw in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, which is famous for being one of the better-received game movies. After BloodRayne, Tomb Raider comes across as a masterpiece of cinema, though that’s far from the reality. It’s a relatively faithful adaptation of the game series, with a buffed-out Angelina Jolie playing the fearless, foxy, and impossibly well-endowed lady Croft.

The film is paced remarkably like a videogame (perhaps more so than any other game based film), with a nice balance between exposition and action. The plot follows Lara Croft (a rich, brilliant, tomb raider/archaeologist/professional badass) as she uncovers a mysterious object linked to a cosmic alignment, wheels and deals with a Seagal-like bad guy, and adventures across the globe to unlock its mysterious powers. Along the way, there are twists and turns, plenty of gunplay, encounters that could only be described as “boss fights”, and more than a few fan service shots.

The best part of Tomb Raider is Jolie’s uncompromising characterization of Lara Croft. While the performance is a little shallow, it’s undoubtedly appealing. Croft is dripping with unabashed girl power in every scene, from her confident swagger to the obvious enjoyment she gets from outwitting the baddies. This character was always fun to play as, and the film does an admirable job of bringing her to life.

Overall, the movie is dumb fun, and definitely a pretty action flick. It’s one of the best game movies out there, which isn’t saying much, but it certainly soothed my BloodRayne-scarred brain.

Lame Game Movie Ratings

Game factor: BloodRayne: 6/10. There were vampires, red hair and corsets, I suppose that’s all that counts. Lara Croft Tomb Raider: 9/10 It actually does quite a nice job of emulating the feel of the games.

Pain factor: BloodRayne 9/10 Do not attempt to watch this movie without a fully armed sense of humor. Tomb Raider: 2/10 almost painless, save for a few ridiculously bad lines from the ponytail-wearing bad guy.

Best salve for the experience:  Just play BloodRayne and spew fake blood around the room. It’ll be cathartic.

Keep up with the latest Gaming news! - Subscribe to our feed →