Gamertell

It’s time for yet another edition of lame game movie nights, wherein our intrepid columnist takes in a double feature of videogame films and lives to tell the experience. This time, we’re diving right in to a sub genre of a sub genre – the horror videogame movie.

Since the games that these films are based on are much more terrifying than their film counterparts, we were in for a real “treat” this week when we survived Doom and House of the Dead.

I began the night with Doom (2005) a dumb but competent horror/action flick. The film is loosely based on the famous first-person shooter and involves a bunch of burly space Marines (led by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) tasked with exploring and protecting the few civilians left on an extraterrestrial archaeological dig. Of course, there are monsters running around dark corridors, and plenty of fan-service shots (mimicking the FPS view), so the plot stays true to the franchise.

The characters are barely more fleshed out than the game’s bare bones characterization – “Space Marine” is the theme here. The two standouts (aside from The Rock, who brings his usual macho charisma to the role) are Karl Urban in the role of the aptly named John Grimm, and ex-Bond girl Rosamund pike playing his scientist sister, Samantha. Everyone else is largely forgettable.

As such, it isn’t the deepest movie around nor is it likely the deepest movie about space marines, but it gets the job done in the dumb-action-fest sort of way. Otherwise, the film is competently made, if not terribly frightening. Director Andrzej Bartkowiak wisely follows the Ridley Scott (Alien) philosophy of not showing the monsters too soon into the film, choosing to let the audience hear and see their carnage first, upping the fear factor.

With that said, its probably one of the most cliché-ridden movies I’ve ever seen. It’s as if the filmmakers took the aesthetic and storyline elements from Aliens, mixed them in with the schlockiness of Dawn of the Dead, and threw a coat of Doom paint over the whole affair. It’s not exactly a terrible film, but it is stunningly mediocre and takes itself far too seriously to be much fun.

Unfortunately, the evening was all downhill from there. I took a deep breath and popped in House of the Dead (2003), one of Uwe Boll’s infamous treasures. This one involves zombies, a subject that scares me more than it should, and Uwe Boll’s direction, something that any rational person should dread, so I needed a security blanket for this one. By “security blanket,” I mean a nice, stiff drink and a heavy-duty flashlight. Don’t judge.

House of the Dead is based on the famous Sega light gun shooters and features a group of unfortunate ravers who come across a zombie-infested island. The plot is really just a paper-thin rehash of the usual horror-thriller who survives the monsters/zombie-apocalypse/whatever storyline, which is effective when done correctly. That really isn’t the case here. The characters are so shallow that they’re hardly worth mentioning, and the zombies look like rejects from Michael Jackson’s Thriller video.

One thing House of the Dead has in common with the vastly superior (now isn’t that sad) Doom are the fan service shots of actual game footage. While Doom doesn’t exactly use game footage (instead the CG/filmed shots are simply made to look like the FPS itself), House of the Dead blatantly (and frequently) uses footage taken from the game itself. Besides the fact that this is completely insane, it looks terrible – one minute you’re watching a badly shot, low budget horror film, the next, you get a few seconds of pixel-y monsters and green blood. I suppose it works as a sort of inside joke to gamers who are in on it, but it really isn’t the strongest directorial decision.

Not that Boll could ever be accused of making strong decisions in his films. One thing that irritates me as a viewer is his insistence on going for the cheap, easy shot. Wherever he can throw in a little cleavage or ridiculous violence, he will. It’s not that I’m against these elements in a film – it’s just that throwing them in wantonly completely cheapens an already lame experience. I suppose that’s to be expected.

Lame Game Ratings:

Game factor: Doom 8/10 The movie does a nice job recreated the claustrophobic, dark “feel” of the games, as well as the lowbrow “dumb fun” factor. House of the Dead 8/10 mainly for the copious shots of actual game footage. You can’t get much truer to the game than the game itself…

Pain factor: Doom 6/10 It’s mildly scary, the dialogue is pretty lame, and the characters aren’t terribly likeable. House of the Dead 10/10 excruciating. Some might prefer an actual zombie infestation to watching this.

Best salve for the experience:  Go watch The Little Mermaid. It’s cuddly, cute, and will wash away all of the bad taste of House of The Dead before the second musical number.

Read [Ars Technica]

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