Gamertell

Domo Arigato Nintendo,

I want to personally thank you for your ingenious Wii game console. I recently purchased one for my family and wanted to provide you with the feedback only the proud Dad of a 5-year-old can give.

@#$%! you.

Let me describe for you the feeling of being beat being humiliated by someone 1/15th my weight, who has no practical real-world experience, no knowledge of physics, trig or geometry and no checking account. It hurts, bad. If I had the home address of the game’s producer, Katsuya Eguchi, and the geniuses working under him who made it possible for this diminutive youngster to turn into the world’s greatest bowling hammer, I would toilet paper their houses 366 days a year.

Whoever thought it was a good idea to somehow tilt the game so a barely-post-toddler’s quirky non-nonsensical, almost improbable bowling style so handily bests all my efforts should be tied up, drenched in honey and let loose in the Sun Bear exhibit at the San Diego Zoo.

At the moment, despite practicing into the Wii (haha) hours of the night and secretly searching for tips online while the tyke sleeps, I am not improving. If anything, it makes him better.

Do you have some offending algorithm that takes away from my near-perfect toss but allows all the pins to flee for cover has my boy’s ball sails down the lane?

Have you no decency? A grown man crying for a half hour as his son does the end zone dance is just sad. Sad for Wii. Sad for Mii. I can’t take the cocky attitude that the Wii has instilled in my innocent child who is guilty of not being able to really bowl except in fantasy WiiLand.

At the end of the day, as I sit quietly staring at the screen full of result, it is the victory dancing that really gets me deep down inside.

My arms are sore, my hand chafed and I can barely move my shoulder. I don’t know how much more I can give to the Wii bowling game and still get back less than 100-pins knocked each game. My son, on the flip side, has medals, wins every game and now the phone rings with offers for him to turn pro. It is just a bit much.

We can all be adults here. I’ll cheat. I’m willing to pay to have a special version of Wii Bowling that plays to my strengths: a motion-limiting fatty gut, a sore back, perhaps the ability to play from the couch, my degrading vision and some victories to fill in where my pride was once housed.

My Advil is running low.  Please send me the game and the bill. My pride and shame have eloped and skipped town. I’ll happily pay to win a few against the kid.

Thanks for reading,

JG Mason, Gamertell