Full Feed8 things I’ve learned from Crisis Core
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Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII is a phenomenal game, but it is really more than that. It provides educational information about the culture and lives of people living around Midgar. There are profound truths revealed to those who take the time and effort to explore environments and become acquainted with the population. This quick list provides eight of the most essential Crisis Core facts. Be forewarned - there are some spoilers in this list. They’re minor, even minuscule, but they’re there.
Also, before anyone asks, I can hear you thinking, “But why eight? Why not narrow it down to five, or expand it to ten?” I’m 7/10ths of the way through the game. Perhaps if I waited until I finished, I’d have an additional three lessons. Well, I’m easily distracted by shiny things or new games, and if I waited until I completed the game, then I might forget previous lessons and the list would be down to three or five. So here, in no particular order, are eight things I’ve learned from Crisis Core.
Everyone, everywhere, has heard of, seen or read Loveless.
Loveless is like The Godfather or Meet the Parents of the FFVII world. Apparently anyone that isn’t expendable’s memorized it. Because of this, whenever Genesis quotes Loveless, someone listening will be able to cite the quotation. No matter how obscure or out of context, someone will name it.
I can has squats time now?
In the crazy FFVII world, squats are not only an exceptional form of exercise, they keep your body temperature up, determine your physical condition and are considered a great activity to excel in. Plus who would proudly declare that they are the best at squats? Of all the possible talents a person could have, I never considered the ability to squat to be one. That’s like saying the ability to count is something we should applaud people for.
Everyone’s infused with Jenova cells.
Want to be a supreme SOLDIER? Jenova cells. Have you got a cold? Jenova cells. Accidentally burned your finger getting something out of the oven? I’ve heard Jenova cells will fix that right up. Its like the secret ingredient in any kind of miracle formula. For a being that was supposed to be rare, hidden and sealed away in some backwater village, her cells sure got around.
Sephiroth had rabid fangirls and a fanclub devoted to him.
Apparently he was as popular among characters in the game was he was to fangirls in the real world. His in-game fans were quite dutiful as well. After all, only true fans would find out that he uses an entire bottle of shampoo and conditioner whenever he washes his hair. Plus they took the time to not only discover the specially blended shampoo has 12 different scents, but that each time Sephy tosses his hair, the scent in the air changes. It makes me wonder if the Sephora stores were named after him by a member of his fan club.
Tseng is pretty. Pretty like a girl.
In FFVII he looked pretty manly. Not all buff and macho like Barret or Rude, but he was still pretty masculine. Also he wasn’t particularly good looking. To be perfectly honest, I always thought it looked like his hairline was receding and his features seemed kind of sharp. He kind of looked like that scary rapper from the Black Eyed Peas. Then in Advent Children, he looked a tad metro-sexual. Also he had some great cheek-bones. I mean you didn’t get a really good shot of him, but he looked better than before. Now in Crisis Core, he’s entered full on pretty-boy mode. I bet his shampoo has 12 different scents added to it as well and he uses moisturizer.
Underage children are free to wander the world alone and without weapons provided they are ninjas.
I swear Yuffie is everywhere. Sure, you expected to see her in Wutai, but then to see 12 extra missions devoted to dealing with antics? Come on. Granted the missions and interactions are amusing, and had some great items hidden within them (Hello Cait Sith DMW summon), but shouldn’t she have some sort of guardian accompanying her on these trips into monster-infested environments? Seriously, Godou’s going to have his custody revoked if he can’t keep his child in his country at the very least. I think she needs one of those blue toddler harnesses.
Items ordered from online merchants arrive instantly, with no shipping costs.
The online shops in Crisis Core put retailers like Amazon and delivery services like UPS to shame. The second Zack makes a purchase, it is instantly shipped to him without any taxes or shipping costs. Yet if I order two DVDs from Amazon and choose the free shipping option, I’ve got to wait five to seven days. I want to buy from The Happy Turtle or the Shin-Ra store.
Creatures with only one wing can fly.
Normally an animal with only one wing is rendered crippled. This apparently isn’t so in the Crisis Core world. Creatures and beings with only one wing are not only able to fly, but to soar perfectly and majestically through the skies. Even if something with only one wing could fly, it would be an uneven, awkward kind of event. Plus there would be absolutely NO way that a creature like this could carry its own weight plus a passenger. Also another thing confuses me. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I was of the impression that Jenova had two wings. Why is it that all of her “children” only get one? You’d think wings would be a package deal, like arms, legs or ears.
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Sounds Like You Were Making Fun Of It
on March 29, 2008 at 10:37 PM - LINKI’m just making light of some of the things that happen throughout the game.
Don’t you find it a bit ridiculous that creatures with one wing can fly? Or that a minor can roam the world unattended? Or that Sephiroth’s fans went to such lengths to find out exactly what kind of shampoo he used?
I’m a huge fan of the series, and have loved almost every FF game I’ve ever played (though I didn’t care for FFI, FFIX or FFXI).
on March 30, 2008 at 12:59 PM - LINKWas this supposed to be funny, or informative? It fails at both.
on March 30, 2008 at 03:12 PM - LINKIt is supposed to be humorous.
You don’t find it funny that Sephiroth’s fangirls find his kind of shampoo more important than his likes/dislikes/birthday/etc?
Or that Yuffie pops up everywhere unattended, even though she’s a minor?
Or that all of a sudden Tseng is hot?
I thought these things were funny. If you didn’t, then I guess you just have a different sense of humor. Just because you don’t think its funny, doesn’t mean other people think exactly like you.
on March 30, 2008 at 03:30 PM - LINKI think u over reacting to the story
this is an RPG Game it is Fantasy
why do u think its weird to see a minor
goofing around or one winged angel flying
this is the beauty of final fantasy vii .
I dont take thing like u do from ur point
u want something real go play MGS OH I forgot Vamp can walk above water surface
he is like Naruto with ninjatsu .
Its just not right to judge an RPG game
about its fantasy things and ask real
things from a fantasy game ...
thought Im at the final boss in the game
on March 30, 2008 at 03:49 PM - LINKand playing the missions . Actually I dont
want to finish the its story is so good that
I dont want it to end .
Hi KasiH -
I was writing the list as a joke. Its intended to be humorous, funny and lighthearted.
I do love the game as well. If you’ll look back through the Gamertell stories, you’ll see that I reviewed Crisis Core for this site and gave it a rave review and a 9/10. I really do love it.
I’m also taking my time through it. I’m at Chapter 8 now and really enjoying myself and taking my time. Currently I ‘could’ be building the flower cart with Aerith, but I’m taking time out to tackle all of the missions that are available. My Zack is at level 32 right now.
Personally, I’m planning on dedicating the next hour or so of play to doing some serious materia combining. I haven’t really done any of that yet, because I wanted to collect the boosting items for fusion first. Now that I have, I want to make some of the best stat-boosting materia for Zack.
on March 30, 2008 at 03:59 PM - LINKVery funny article…people need to stop overreacting on it. It’s just funny, and it is very clear you genuinely enjoy the game from the tone of it.
on March 30, 2008 at 04:11 PM - LINKHey Alan -
That’s what I was trying to go for. I liked the game and thought it was fun, and just wanted to be funny. :D
on March 30, 2008 at 04:16 PM - LINKI would assume so. On that note, if everyone in the FFVII world read Loveless, the boys are all pretty boys in makeup, and the premiere form of exercise is squat thrusts…was the Final Fantasy VII world always this incredibly gay and nobody just noticed yet?
on March 30, 2008 at 04:33 PM - LINKHi Jenni
Im sorry if I was a littel sensitive about
ur post . Iknow its funny and lighthearted .
So u wrote a Review can I read it ?
could u post the URL Link plz ^^ .
Im an Editor for an Arabic Site I Reviwe
RPG Games at most Like Grandia , Legend of Legaiai Im more into old school RPG
and Im going to review CC:FFVII soon after
I finish and master the game .
Now Im plying the missions and try to
Complete it 100 %
At chapter 8 the scene is romantic between
Zack and Aeries but the most memorable moment
when she tell Zack That her Wish is to spend
more time with him ...
There is more special moment but if i mention
it it would be A BIG SPOILER for u ...
well thanx for the topic and I will be back
on March 30, 2008 at 05:13 PM - LINKread ur posts its nice to meet a good Reviwer .
@ Alan - I shouldn’t probably think that’s hilarious, but I couldn’t help giggling when I read your latest comment.
@ KashiH - Oh no need to apologize what so ever at all. :D
I’m in Ch. 8 right now - I can’t wait to see that part! It sounds so sweet! XD
If you’d like to see the full review of Crisis Core on Gamertell, click the Gamertell logo at the top of this page. The post with the review is further down the page and titled: Gamertell Review: Crisis Core Final Fantasy VII.
on March 30, 2008 at 05:18 PM - LINKSounds Like You Were Making Fun Of It
Sounds Like You Overuse The Shift Key And Now Everything Sounds Like A Title II: Electric Boogaloo. :D
I think Crisis Core was almost satirical in the way things were carried out—like maybe Squeenix had intentionally written the dialogue to mock how serious things had gotten, and how rabid fans were.
I fail to believe that Genesis was written deathly seriously, considering how often everyone hangs their heads and immediately responds with the Act and Chapter.
The game felt like a labor of love from all the humor and games alone. Hell, they add a line of story about Teioh, the bastard king of Chocobo racing! XD
I learned one extra thing:
Apparently when you officially join SOLDIER, you learn to HAX reality—taking on several monsters alone, randomly nailing invincibility, serious stat-hacking, teleportation while freezing time, and even canceling summons.
...so how exactly does Cloud win and Zack lose, armed with this knowledge? XP
on March 31, 2008 at 01:19 AM - LINK@ Holy Dragon Sword:
You’re right about the hacking reality! That is SO true and perfect!
Also all female Shin-Ra scientists get the shaft. Its like if you don’t have a Y chromosome, the Shin-Ra science department is the LAST place you want to be. (Also you don’t wanna marry a Shin-Ra scientist as well. :P)
I liked the little extra where there was the little girl whose uncle was Don Corneo. XD
on March 31, 2008 at 11:54 AM - LINK“Okay, your first assignment is to…strip down and let this creepy old guy take you.”
Promotions, the Shinra way!
Come to think of it, the entire planet of FF VII is eerily misogynistic. Lucrecia’s abused until she spends all day saying “I’M SORRY. I’M SO SORRY” and then gets into forced pity sex with Hojo. Aerith gets ditched for years, then gets a metal shaft of sorts. Tifa gets to deal with orthopedic underwear, being a last-minute character, and everyone’s making bee noises. Yuffie has no parental supervision, spends months barfing on a daily basis, and never gets the treasure. Elena rolls off a cliff, and then gets beaten half to death in a movie. And then Jenova gets her head chopped off.
on March 31, 2008 at 04:30 PM - LINKExactly!
Not to mention Shera, and the constant abuse from Cid just for doing her job and trying to protect him. Also if we factor in Dirge of Cerberus, Shalua and Shelke also get screwed.
And Ilfana as well. She certainly had a less than charmed life.
And I have a sneaking suspicion something unpleasant happened to Elena’s Turk older sister Gun (Female) (<- she didn’t get a real name) from the Japan only cell game FFVII: Before Crisis.
Plus you have to feel bad for Marlene. In AC her dad’s always away working and in FFVII he’s off saving the world and she’s left alone with a woman she’s only just met.
on March 31, 2008 at 08:42 PM - LINKsounds like a lot of people don’t have asense of humor. Or maybe they just don’t read the part where is says “Crisis Core is a phenomenal game” and then you make fun of it, which was pretty funny. =] good job, I did find it pretty wierd that everyone with one wing could fly, lol.
on April 1, 2008 at 08:41 PM - LINKThanks Matt.
There’s a better criticism of this story at N4G. One guy says that, because I said Tseng was pretty like a girl, I was questioning that character’s sexuality and I must be one of those rabid fangirls who draws yaoi. He then goes on to say that any discussion of Sephiroth, Zack, Cloud or Tseng is Serious Business and they are NOT to be mocked. XD Its hilarious.
on April 1, 2008 at 09:14 PM - LINKYeah, well I think your criticism was just fine, unless someone is looking for a more serious critique.
I also find it funny that rockets only do about five times more damage than guns, you’d think it’d be a lot more.
Also, I think it’s funny that people can survive a giant behemoth shooting them with a big blue explosion.
on April 2, 2008 at 06:42 PM - LINKYeah, like a single human will be okay against a single behemoth. XD
And the rockets too! Rockets are totally more devastating.
Its a great game though. The in-jokes are phenomenal.
on April 2, 2008 at 10:42 PM - LINKNot to mention Shera, and the constant abuse from Cid just for doing her job and trying to protect him.
To be fair, Shera didn’t understand the concept of “Get back to the kitchen, and make me some f*cking tea, goddammit!”. XP
on April 2, 2008 at 11:11 PM - LINKAh, very true. I bet there were multiple instances where Cid very kindly asked for tea, and players just never saw it.
“Shera, could you please go to the kitchen and get me a cup of tea while you’re up?”
“Shera, I would sincerely appreciate a cup of tea. Go to the kitchen and get some?”
“Shera, I’m thirsty. Get in the kitchen and make tea.”
“Shera! Kitchen! Tea! Now!”
Square just edited it a bit. :P They kept in the good part though!
on April 3, 2008 at 01:29 PM - LINKJenni, I LOVE this article. Ignore the people who make fun of you, they are just jealous xD I so wish i was this creative, and you did an amazing job.
I was afraid that I was the only one who noticed that Tseng suddenly looked pretty o.o and I agree, he looked quite scary in FF7.
And thanks for mentioning the Sephiroth fangirls thing, I didn’t join one of the fan clubs so I never found out weird facts about him xD but now I randomly go up to people and say “Did you know Sephy uses a whole bottle of shampoo and conditioner…”
And you totally nailed that one winged thing. Perfect. *high fives Jenni*
on April 22, 2008 at 05:45 PM - LINKThank you so much Katie. XD
Its just such a funny and great game on its own, so it was easy to think up funny little blurbs for it.
on April 23, 2008 at 11:58 AM - LINKaha i laughed while reading this i am a die hard FF fan and i have learnt to not question ANYTHING in the game cause it will lead to a world of confusion…. as u have just sent many new commer’s of the FF line into, was funny to read but now im gonna notice these through out the rest of the game… o well.
on May 7, 2008 at 06:21 PM - LINKGlad you liked it ctworf.
Yeah, Final Fantasy is often like that - sometimes you just have to go with it and accept everything. :D
on May 7, 2008 at 07:04 PM - LINK